Hi there, here's a fun stuff I found someplace that explains Metal Genres quite 'clearly'. Read and decide where you belong:

An evil dragon has kidnapped a beautiful princess and locked her into the dungeon of his castle. Now it is described how metalheads of the different metal subgenres would rescue the princess as "hero" of the story.

POWER METAL:The hero rides to the castle on a white unicorn, defeats the dragon in an epic battle in a storm on the edge of a huge cliff.Then he rescues the princess and both make love in a magic forest.

THRASH METAL:The hero walks by, kills the dragon, rescues the princess and fucks her.

HEAVY METAL:The hero comes riding on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks some beer and fucks the princess.

FOLK METAL:The hero arrives with some mates who play flute, violin, accordion and some other instruments. They're having a party with lots of beer and mead and make the dragon sleep with their music and with dancing. Then they leave again ... without the princess.

VIKING METAL:The hero arrives in a dragonship, kills the dragon with his mighty greataxe, moults him, rapes the princess to death, steals her possesion and burns the castle before he leaves.

DEATH METAL:The hero arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, kills her and leaves.

BLACK METAL:The hero arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and spears him in front of the castle. Then he rapes the princess, drinks her blood in an unholy ritual, then kills her and spears her next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:The hero arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his bowels all around the castle. Then he fucks the princess, kills her and fucks her corpse again, slices her stomach and eats her bowels and fucks her again.

DOOM METAL:The hero arrives. He sees how big the dragon is and thinks he will never be able to kill him. He falls into a deep depression and commits suicide. The dragon eats him and the princess.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:The hero arrives with a guitar and play a 26 minutes solo!The dragon commits suicide cuz he is so bored.The hero enters the chamber of the beautiful princess and plays another solo in which all his technical ability, which he has perfected during the last years at his music school. The princess runs away and looks for the heavy metal hero.

GLAM METAL:The hero arrives and the dragon laughs himself to death. The hero steals the princess' make-up and decides to paint the castle pink.

NU METAL:The hero arrives in a shabby Honda Civic, trys to fight the dragon but his gay baggy-pants catch fire and he dies.

GRINDCORE:The hero arrives, grunting and growling something unidentifiable and leaves after one minute.

NSBM:The aryan hero arrives yelling 14/88 and looks for the princess. He sends the jewish dragon to a concentration camp. The dragon contacts Israel and the hero is convicted under crimes of racism.

TR00 KVLT BLACK METAL:The hero doesn't show cuz he doesn't want to fight the dragon.

CHRISTIAN/WHITE METAL:The hero prays to god that he will take away this satanic creature. then he tells the princess that they can't have sex before they're married.

FUN/HAPPY METAL:The hero shouts "I am the protector of all nonsense! But ONLY of nonsense!" The dragon kills the hero and the princess laughs her ass off.

So where ya belong?

(footnote: excuse me for the profanity..)

3 comments:

greg davies said...

i like the way progressive metal is described. haha! long guitar solos can really lead to boredom. nice post:) \m/

mantiz said...

right, long guitar solos can get really boring and irritating sometimes. It happens when the lead guitarist tries to show off his talent rather than make good music. Every solo must serve a purpose in my opinion. By the way, progressive happens to be my favorite metal genre and I worship DT! I can't seem to play any solo longer than a minute though :/

Vile said...

Talk about being too "artistic", and 15min for a track is just too long.
Progressive is ok though.
And i'm still having trouble with my metal genres even after reading your post.