Chiming in after a long time. and I tell ya, it not on a happy note either.
If this post was a chord, it would be friggin D minor. If it were a song, you would hear Radiohead's Creep playin. If it were a film, it would be the last 15 minutes or so of Requiem for a Dream.
I could go on like this all day, but that wouldn't cheer me up either.
I guess I must have hit what people call a Quarter-life Crisis.
A week back, I turned 24, and I was left thinking, Oh my God, almost a quarter of my life has passed before my eyes, and I still haven't achieved anything. I'm still a scared-shitless kid tryina put his life together.
I face myself in the mirror; I see a fucking failure.
I open up my facebook homepage. It asks me, "What's on your mind?". Regret. Lots of it.
Heck, I logged in to stare at funny memes all day and cheer myself up. Focus on something else for a while and ignore the pain. I should have thought this through.
I remember a friend back from school who once told me, "What wouldn't I give for your life"!
Really dude? Well you should see me now.! it's even better!
What have I done with my life?
It's been two years after college. I worked for about a year a crappy day job.
Sure it was valuable experience to beef up my CV. I learned the tricks of the trade.
I made a few good friends. We had fun. We had booze. We tripped by the sundown to The Beatles and The Pixies. It was fun while it lasted.
I also met and had to work with people who had the morals of body lice. I now know better than to expect appreciation when you meet targets and deadlines. I now know how things work in the corporate world.
But in the wake of all this, has anything really changed, inside? not much.
Job satisfaction? none.
Feeling unfulfilled and frustrated? check.
Bordering on extremes such as atheism and even Nihilism? check, check.
That's the thing when you're stuck doing a job that you don't love. It's all makebelieving.
You put yourself to the torture everyday, telling yourself that things will get better eventually. Only, it won't.
It's like having to ingest a downer and then snorting on ecstacy to climb your way back up. every fucking day of your life.
It might run things well for a while, but in the end, you are just left an emotional wreck.
So, I learned the truth the hard way. If you don't love what you do for a job, there's no point in clinging to it. Don't listen to others, listen to your heart. Peer inside and you'll know what you really want.
Or as Robert Downey Jr. put it, "Listen, smile, agree. and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway"
Sure we've all heard these words. Half of the world's quotations seem to be aimed at this very philosophy. But what is hard is finding the nerve to put it into action.
I have never felt happier quitting a job, and I probably never will :)
So now I'm free, and clueless about what to do next. How I wish life came with instructions!
I don't know what future holds for me. But I'm giving myself two years to piece it all back together. Two years to get my ducks in a row.
June 2014. If there is a world here on that date (and the Mayans were just Trolling us).
The first step : Relocate.
Yup, gotta get outta this joint and start afresh, for a better life. Let's see how this works out.
..and thank you Ayn Rand, for 'The Fountainhead'. If I hadn't happened to read it, I'd probably be rotting away in a grave right now!
Feeling a lot better already. God, I missed blogging!