The downward Spiral

Thursday, January 17

Just a fortnight into the new year and 2013 has already brought me more sorrows than some of my lowest years have managed over their entire lifespans.

And I thought last year was a bitch!

 Trust me, my life has never been worse. But in spite of all that shit hitting the fan, I can still spot a silver lining.
'cause like they say, when you are at the very bottom, the only way to go is up, right?

The other day, I had a sudden realization that life is very much like a fine porcelain vase.
It is beautiful for one with an eye of appreciation for beauty. The hapless nihilist thinks it's overrated as he lies in the gutter and downs yet another bottle. The fidgety one fails to enjoy it as his time is spent worrying about its frailty.

Then it hit me that I am all these people.

Each morning when you wake up, you do not know whether you are gonna last the day.
But still you get out of that bed and go on living. That is faith.
Either that, or it could be a permanent sense of insensitivity that has set in over the years of your pathetic meaningless existence.

Every morning I spend a few minutes staring at the ceiling after I wake (don't we all?).
I tell myself that should Death stop me at my doorstep and flash me a book filled with dues and red lines and what not, I will just tell him, "Not Today" and go on living my supposedly happy life.

Isn't that a lie we all tell ourselves?

Would I really be able to mouth those words when the time came? Would I rather be content to taste the scythe and embrace my grave 'cause living in this world has become increasingly difficult? I wouldn't know for sure.

Many times in my life, I have wished that the world would just come to an end. Like the ending of that movie Dr. Strangelove. all of us being nuked to death while Vera Lynn sings us goodbye.
And many a time I have found myself drifting towards Nihilism, a tempting way of life indeed. But one that I now realize is nothing more than a refuge for people who are scared to get out there and face the world, or go down fighting.

So what if my life sucks?
Chances are, if by the time the sun goes down I'm still standing, I will have learnt something new.
It's just that some people get to learn these lessons the easy way, and some, the hard way. Welcome to reality.

If anything, 2013 will be a year for responsibilities. I'm through with taking tacky new year resolutions that I never keep. Time to grow a pair and start living life for real.

I have been bitching nonstop for thirty minutes now. and more depressing is the fact that none of it even makes sense.
and I'm pretty sure I will hate myself later for writing this post.

So I'm gonna cut short this rant and go yell at my dog for some time.

(as if that makes sense)

Happy new year, by the way.